About fear (An invocation for beginnings)

Current status: it’s 2 AM and I’m eating peanut butter watching Ze Frank videos. Why? I would like to know that too. Apparantly my mind only works at night. Also, it is scientifically proven that you always find your way to a Ze Frank video when you’re feeling down…kind of. The one that resonates right now is abot beginnings, being stuck between zero and one.
So let me be honest. I am afraid. Afraid of being honest about myself because people might treat me like I treat me sometimes, which is not very good. I am afraid to put my work out into the world because it won’t be just mine anymore. Afraid that I will be judged, that I will be wrong and that I will fail. Afraid of the journey, because the roads are bumpy and I keep questioning if it’s even worth it, why should I bother.
I have 99 problems and pretty much all of them are hypothetical situations which I have been worrying about while I could have been doing something else. It’s to late to start, I’ll never make it. There’s no way I am good enough compared to all those people. How do I quiet my doubts? Maybe I have to prove myself wrong, and I guess the only way of doing that is by jumping in the water to find out if you can swimm. The first step is the hardest.. well the two hundred and eight might be hard too, but are you really contempt standing at the shore?


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Lessons from the last airbender


I have seen dozends of post about this, but one more can’t hurt. This is of course about Avatar: the last airbender. That was my favourite thing to watch growing up and I still watch it whenever I’m feeling down. It’s not just a cartoon, it’s full of spiritual guidance and life lessons MOM!
And even thought I am stil pissed because I can’t bend ( not even one element, seriously?), there is a lot that you can take away from the series, especially if you revisit it from a more mature standpoint. You can find wisdom anywhere if you are willing to see a lesson. Aaaand que the quotes.

“Sometimes life is like this dark tunnel. You can not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you just keep moving you will come to a better place. “

“It is important to draw wisdom from many different places. If you take it from only one place it becomes rigid and stale. Understanding others (the other elements and the other nations) will help you become whole.”… see, that’s what I said.

“The greatest ilusion in this world is the ilusion of separation. Things you think are separate and different are actually one and the same. We are all one people, but we live as if devided.”

“You think you’re different from me ? Or your friends? Or this tree? If you listen hard enough you can hear every living thing breathing together. You can feel everything growing. We’re all living together, even if most folks don’t act like it. We all have the same roots and we are branches of the same tree.”

“Knowledge of the arts belongs to us all.”

“The true mind can weather all lies and illusions without being lost. The true heart can touch the poison of hatred without being harmed. Since beginningless time, darkness thrives in the void, but always yields to purifying light.”

“..If you look for the light you can often find it, but if you look for the dark that is all you will ever see.”

“You must never give in to despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strenght.”

This could go on forever but it’s enough for now. Thanks for reading, after all “Sharing tea with a fascinating stranger is one of life’s true delights.”.. or coffee.. or votka.. okay..

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Letting go

Like a lot of people,I have some trouble, like the kids say, to just let go and go with the flow. Okay technically I am a kid but whatevet it sounds cool.

You know when you talk to somebody and you just say something stupid or you start telling a story and it just doesn’t go as planned and you think about it for hours because you could have said samothing else. Like right now I typed this sentance over over to make sure it sound good. And I am an artist.. by which I mean i draw something occasionally.. and i can work on a drawing for hovers because I just can’t let that line be where it wants to be. That is until I started to work with watercolor. When you work with something like that it just requiers a certain amount of letting go. You put the color on paper and you have to let it do it’s own thing in order to create something… like Jason Pollock did. Okay, he didn’t work with watercolor but bare with me. Some of the most famous paintings in moderm history wouldn’t be created if he didn’t decide to stop controling the paint. And not only in art but in life,it is generally good to let go sometimes and stop overthinking. Most of the time we have this picture in our minds of how something will develop but life doesn’t have a script.. if we let go of that and work in the moment it might even turn out better. It’s okay to be a perfectionalist and strive to make yourself better but beautiful things happen if you let them develop as they do.. like colors mixing on paper.

And for shameless selfpromotion here is a picture.


Who am I ?

So I started a blog because I figured hey, I go to college and I generally have a lot of stuff to do but I already spend most of my time on the internet so why not.
I opened the account about I week ago and I have ideas but I can’t seem to get started because I feel like I need to write an introduction first. That, however, is hard to do because it gets me thinking “who the f*** am I?” ( can I write fuck here?.. Idk). I’m a girl, I’m a college student, I like to draw, I like sifi.. Is that it? What do I want to do in life? Where am I going to be in 10 years? I’ll finish college and after I trick someone into giving me a job I’ll get an appartment. I always wanted a penthouse but let’s start slow. It’s probably going to take me  a while to figure out how to do laundry and don’t even get me started on cooking. I’ll end up ordering pizza for a year because I like to test my limits. And am I ever going to find someone to marry me.. or do I even want that.. I can’t even take care of a cactus.. I mean I’m kind of antisocial. I could just get a cat, dogs need to much attention. I just saw a video of someone playing jenga with their cat.. what else can you teach a cat? Teach me how to dougie, teach me teach me how to… Ok ADD, sit down, that’s enough.
What I wanted to say is I’ve been reading Eckhart Tolle lately (smooth transition) and he teaches an important lesson: life consists only of now. You are not the future you worry about, or the past. You are now. When you stop your thaughts from taking over, you realise that you are here, alive, and there is no future to worry about because it can only come one moment at a time. Every moment you can choose who you want to be.
I’m a person who loves to drive at night listening to music, going nowhere but open to go everywhere.