What am I doing it for?

It’s still raining. Really? Does anyone know a sundance or something? I know I get anoying complaining about the weather, especially when I publicly announced my try on possitive attitude, but I didn’t think the weather was going to seriously test me.

What I wanted to talk about is this, I started going to the gym( working out in public.. also pushing myself there), but what I want to say is not exactly about working out.

I want to gain weight… yes, I am one of those people. When I hit puberty I also got a slight hormonal imbalance…the point is, I was skinny as a stick figure. In the last two years it got better and I managed to gain a little weight, but I could still use some more. This was often an insecurity of mine. Being told I was to skinny by people who I considered friends and who were supposed to know better. Growing up, all the girls around me started getting curves and of course all of the boy’s attention and I didn’t get neither the curves or the attention. Yes, I know, it seems silly now, but back then it didn’t. A snarky remark made by my friend that “only dogs p.lay with bones and real man like meat”.. all those things make a mark somewhere.

So yes, I liked to think that I was working out and trying to gain weight just for me, because I do believe that if you feel good about yourself, you are going to look good and the other way around, but thinking back at this made me realise that maybe I wasn’t doing it just for me. An insecure part of me is surely just looking for approval from other people, wants to be “sexy” for other people. We allready astablished that everyone in the media is trying to tell us what we should look like and it doesn’t feel good either when people start telling you to your face.I think acknowledging that you want to change something in your appearence to appeal to others, you take some of the power back, if that makes sence. Today, I am not sick, I eat more than enough and I am comfortable with my body, but I see that I can improve it so I can feel even more comfortable with it. I will keep working on myself until I am happy with myself and if other people are happy, that’s great and if not, that’s fine with me. I will acknowledge that comments about my appearence have an effect on me and work on that, because at the end of the day, I am doing it for me.

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Rainy day blues

” I still have a photo on my wall of the greatest idol I will ever have in my life, and it’s myself at eight. Because that’s when the forces of imagination have the same value as the real world, when they’re an instrument of survival: when my mother disappeared, and I imagined a mother. That was me at my best. ” – Henning Mankell

Henning Mankel was a Swedish crime writer who passed this weekd. Actually, I didn’t know about his work until now, but I ame accros this quote and loved it instantly.
There was once an eight year old girl who wanted to be a surgeon and a teacher and a painter and a dancer. She loved superheroes and wanted to save the world. She believed in magic and that she could become anything she wanted. On days like today, when it’s raining the whole animal kingdom, and it’s hard to make myself get out bed, when I lose motivation and doubt myself, I think back of her. People say “before you give up think about who’s watching”, usually about their children, but what if that child watching was your eight year old self. Maybe we shouldn’t lose the childish hope that the world can only get better and that we can make it that way. Can you still imagine a reality for yourself and believe you can achieve anything? If your eight year old self be proud of you?

Let it go

I took a look back on my Facebook feed. Looks like Facebook is trying to make it really easy for us to look at our old embarrassing photos and status updates. Look what you did today two years ago, go back to 2009 on your timeline. Can we just all agree to stop talking about 2009. Great.
Only a few years back seems like a lifetime ago. Seems like a different person. My timeline was packed with people who I don’t exactly know anymore. Today there only seem to be a few. I let go of a lot of people in the past couple of years because it just didn’t work out. I felt like a lot of relationships didn’t serve me anymore… and I don’t meen that in a selfish, the world revolves arout me, way. I used to think that I was a bad person if I don’t fight and care for the friendships in my life, but I finally learned that you don’t have to hold on to people who bring negativity in your life and just do nothing for your growth. People change and sometimes they stop resonating with you. Maybe they have different goals ar different world views that just don’t agree with yours, but anyways, if you stop trying to force a relationship it can be better for everyone involved. That doesn’t change the beautiful memories you might have with that person.
I also see how much I have changed. I didn’t just let go of people, but also of mindsets. Some people, even those close to me, won’t accept my beliefs and that’s fine, but I don’t have to justify myself and everything I do. I used to have this fixed idea of how life should look like and knew what other people had planed for me and what was expected of me. If you give up the fixed idea you have of what life should look like, you are open for all the possibilities. And I’m not saying having a vision is bad, but sometimes life will trow something at you and if you can catch it the outcome may be better than your original path. You may think you know where you’re going, but you don’t and there’s no way of knowing where you’ll be in ten years looking back.

Letter to my depressed self

Dear depressed procrastinating me,

This is sane me talking, you know, the part of us that likes to think I got my stuff figured out. I see you laying in the bed at 2 AM or 8 AM and not wanting to get up, not feeling good enoung. I know what you’re thinking about. Is it even worth it? Why should I even try accomplishing anything, it won’t matter to anyone. Pants are overrated, I’ll just watch TV shows all day.

You know what? You’re a selfish bitch. Because every time you feel like taking control and letting go, not accomplishing things, you make a mess which I have to fix. You leave me behind my scheduled, tasks i have to finish and often don’t succeed. But I am tired of always fighting with you, so this time, I’m just going to say: ‘please’. Please get out of bed, please make yourself do something, even just a little something and please think of me. The me that actually has hopes and dreams that are maybe to big. The me that isn’t fine with just existing, that doesn’t want to die before 25, figuratively or litteraly.

Please, we have enough things to worry about, we can’t be fighting with ourselves.

About fear (An invocation for beginnings)

Current status: it’s 2 AM and I’m eating peanut butter watching Ze Frank videos. Why? I would like to know that too. Apparantly my mind only works at night. Also, it is scientifically proven that you always find your way to a Ze Frank video when you’re feeling down…kind of. The one that resonates right now is abot beginnings, being stuck between zero and one.
So let me be honest. I am afraid. Afraid of being honest about myself because people might treat me like I treat me sometimes, which is not very good. I am afraid to put my work out into the world because it won’t be just mine anymore. Afraid that I will be judged, that I will be wrong and that I will fail. Afraid of the journey, because the roads are bumpy and I keep questioning if it’s even worth it, why should I bother.
I have 99 problems and pretty much all of them are hypothetical situations which I have been worrying about while I could have been doing something else. It’s to late to start, I’ll never make it. There’s no way I am good enough compared to all those people. How do I quiet my doubts? Maybe I have to prove myself wrong, and I guess the only way of doing that is by jumping in the water to find out if you can swimm. The first step is the hardest.. well the two hundred and eight might be hard too, but are you really contempt standing at the shore?

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Letting go

Like a lot of people,I have some trouble, like the kids say, to just let go and go with the flow. Okay technically I am a kid but whatevet it sounds cool.

You know when you talk to somebody and you just say something stupid or you start telling a story and it just doesn’t go as planned and you think about it for hours because you could have said samothing else. Like right now I typed this sentance over over to make sure it sound good. And I am an artist.. by which I mean i draw something occasionally.. and i can work on a drawing for hovers because I just can’t let that line be where it wants to be. That is until I started to work with watercolor. When you work with something like that it just requiers a certain amount of letting go. You put the color on paper and you have to let it do it’s own thing in order to create something… like Jason Pollock did. Okay, he didn’t work with watercolor but bare with me. Some of the most famous paintings in moderm history wouldn’t be created if he didn’t decide to stop controling the paint. And not only in art but in life,it is generally good to let go sometimes and stop overthinking. Most of the time we have this picture in our minds of how something will develop but life doesn’t have a script.. if we let go of that and work in the moment it might even turn out better. It’s okay to be a perfectionalist and strive to make yourself better but beautiful things happen if you let them develop as they do.. like colors mixing on paper.

And for shameless selfpromotion here is a picture.

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Who am I ?

So I started a blog because I figured hey, I go to college and I generally have a lot of stuff to do but I already spend most of my time on the internet so why not.
I opened the account about I week ago and I have ideas but I can’t seem to get started because I feel like I need to write an introduction first. That, however, is hard to do because it gets me thinking “who the f*** am I?” ( can I write fuck here?.. Idk). I’m a girl, I’m a college student, I like to draw, I like sifi.. Is that it? What do I want to do in life? Where am I going to be in 10 years? I’ll finish college and after I trick someone into giving me a job I’ll get an appartment. I always wanted a penthouse but let’s start slow. It’s probably going to take me  a while to figure out how to do laundry and don’t even get me started on cooking. I’ll end up ordering pizza for a year because I like to test my limits. And am I ever going to find someone to marry me.. or do I even want that.. I can’t even take care of a cactus.. I mean I’m kind of antisocial. I could just get a cat, dogs need to much attention. I just saw a video of someone playing jenga with their cat.. what else can you teach a cat? Teach me how to dougie, teach me teach me how to… Ok ADD, sit down, that’s enough.
What I wanted to say is I’ve been reading Eckhart Tolle lately (smooth transition) and he teaches an important lesson: life consists only of now. You are not the future you worry about, or the past. You are now. When you stop your thaughts from taking over, you realise that you are here, alive, and there is no future to worry about because it can only come one moment at a time. Every moment you can choose who you want to be.
I’m a person who loves to drive at night listening to music, going nowhere but open to go everywhere.

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