It’s still raining. Really? Does anyone know a sundance or something? I know I get anoying complaining about the weather, especially when I publicly announced my try on possitive attitude, but I didn’t think the weather was going to seriously test me.
What I wanted to talk about is this, I started going to the gym( working out in public.. also pushing myself there), but what I want to say is not exactly about working out.
I want to gain weight… yes, I am one of those people. When I hit puberty I also got a slight hormonal imbalance…the point is, I was skinny as a stick figure. In the last two years it got better and I managed to gain a little weight, but I could still use some more. This was often an insecurity of mine. Being told I was to skinny by people who I considered friends and who were supposed to know better. Growing up, all the girls around me started getting curves and of course all of the boy’s attention and I didn’t get neither the curves or the attention. Yes, I know, it seems silly now, but back then it didn’t. A snarky remark made by my friend that “only dogs p.lay with bones and real man like meat”.. all those things make a mark somewhere.
So yes, I liked to think that I was working out and trying to gain weight just for me, because I do believe that if you feel good about yourself, you are going to look good and the other way around, but thinking back at this made me realise that maybe I wasn’t doing it just for me. An insecure part of me is surely just looking for approval from other people, wants to be “sexy” for other people. We allready astablished that everyone in the media is trying to tell us what we should look like and it doesn’t feel good either when people start telling you to your face.I think acknowledging that you want to change something in your appearence to appeal to others, you take some of the power back, if that makes sence. Today, I am not sick, I eat more than enough and I am comfortable with my body, but I see that I can improve it so I can feel even more comfortable with it. I will keep working on myself until I am happy with myself and if other people are happy, that’s great and if not, that’s fine with me. I will acknowledge that comments about my appearence have an effect on me and work on that, because at the end of the day, I am doing it for me.